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Thursday, February 7, 2013

A "perfect" plan

I have a plan. The plan will allow a few people to be eternally happy after the plan is fulfilled. These people are ones I have already decided to accept In the plan,  (The odds are I did not pick you. Too bad for you) I decided to allow my daughter to date a man. She, of course, has no vote on the issue. (Who does she think she is, God?) The man she dates kills her. I actually knew the man would kill her (I am all knowing, FYI). I decided it was best that he kill her because it was my will that he do so. Killing my daughter will allow my master plan to be fulfilled. No one actually understands my master plan or my will, but that is meaningless. I know my will. And even though my daughter had to die, she should be happy that she got to be part of my plan. Ironically she is not happy that she was killed since she cried about being killed. (Ingrate)  And even though I will not tell anyone why it was important that my daughter be killed, I guarantee to everyone it really was important. Really, really important. And if you believe my story, you get to be eternally happy. Actually, I finally decided to allow other people to explain my motives. And you should believe them too. After all  they are talking about ME. So, that means they must be telling the truth. Anyway, I was describing why people get to go to eternal happiness. Well, actually not everyone. Just the people who read my story and believe I was telling the truth. The ones who do not read my story or disbelieve my story will NEVER, EVER, EVER get to be eternally happy In fact, they will be eternally unhappy. (Trust me, it is for the best)

Now you might think I am contradicting myself. Previously, I stated I had pre-selected the people who get eternal happiness. And that is true. The only people who will believe my story are the ones I pre-selected for eternal happiness. I realize this is difficult to accept. You must take my word for it. And if I pre-selected you, naturally, you will take my word for it. 

Now, what everyone knows but no one will discuss in any serious manner is that I could have decided on any other course of action to allow people to be eternally happy. I could have decided to allow everyone to be eternally happy without anyone getting killed. (I have that power) But that is just silly. Why would I do that? Death really makes me happy. I mean really, really happy. I am not sure why. I think it has something to do with the smell of death. I really love the smell of flesh being roasted. (If that sounds odd to you, you can assume you are not one of the people I have pre-selected)

Now what is really ironic is that I also created the man who would kill my daughter. I knew before I created him that he would kill my daughter, however, I was not concerned about that. What I am concerned with is that he cut off part of his penis. It is very, very important to me that he cut off part of his penis. Now, what is confusing to some people (heretics) is that I also had the ability to create all people without the part of the penis that I want cut off. They had the audacity to ask why I did not create people without the offending penis part!!!! Obviously, I wanted people to experience the joy of cutting off body parts to know me better. (I really like people cutting off parts of their body, just in case it is not obvious) Once I asked someone to accumulate large numbers of severed penis parts. I am not sure why I did not ask that he roast them as well. Oh well, perhaps, next time. 

Anyway, all I ask is that people cut off parts of their penis and believe me when I say my daughter deserved to be killed. I really don't know why some people think that is asking too much. I hate people like that. They deserve to roast for all eternity. After all, I do enjoy the smell of roasting flesh. It is like an eternal never ending sacrifice to me.

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